Sometimes I miss girlhood

Don’t get me wrong.

I don’t wish I was a woman. I don’t miss being perceived as a woman or existing in spaces as one. I don’t miss periods, my feminine features, or anything like that. In fact, I love my transmasculine body and the way I’m perceived now.

I wouldn’t even dream of detransitioning at all.

It’s just that there was such an ease to forming connections with women before coming out. Friendships were easily very intimate and the bonds I shared with women went deep very quickly.

That’s not really the case with men.

Men don’t often talk about feelings. If any emotional topics do come up, they’re often brushed off and the subject is changed.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to form similar connections with men as I did with women, but it’s not the same. I wish platonic relationships with other men could have the same sense of safety and security as women have. It just doesn’t come quite as easily. I wish it did.

I will admit that to this day, I still prefer the company of women over men. I wish I could form the same kinds of connections with new women I meet as I did pre-transition, but now that I pass more as a man, women treat me differently.

I kind of hate it.

One of the girls

I guess you can say that I miss the sense of belonging I had when I was “one of the girlies”.

I’ve met so many cool women lately who I’ve really wanted to befriend. But I’m learning that it isn’t so easy to just be friends with them.

More often than not, I find myself worrying about how to not come off as hitting on a woman when I compliment them, or seeming like I want to date them when all I really want to do is hang out and be friends.

I literally asked a few friends recently what I could do to make sure that women don’t try to friendzone me thinking that I’m making a move on them. (By the way, the answer to that is to be more up front with my intentions, who knew?) This is mainly because I never really had the issue growing up of having guys show any interest in me in that way. That, and I only ever did the whole dating app thing when it came to dating men, so I don’t really have anything from personal experience to use as a reference when it comes to making friends with women as a man.

And oh my god, I am such a hugger. For my whole life until this point, I got used to hugging my girl friends when I greet them hello and hugging them again when saying goodbye. Unfortunately, that is something else now that I am finding I will have to navigate differently as well. Literally the other day, I was about to go in for a hug with a new girl friend, and instead I was met with her outstretched arm for a handshake… Oof, talk about a reality check.

With friends who’ve known me since before I transitioned, it’s hit or miss. There are moments where I get to hang out one-on-one with a girl friend. That’s always fun, though sometimes I feel like maybe people think we’re on a date or something? (Not that it matters or changes things, but it’s funny.) Then there are moments where I hear that the girlies are planning an outing that sounds like it would be a great time, and that I wish I would be invited to, but oftentimes I’m not because it’s a girls event and, well, I’m a dude.

Bummer.

I promise, I’m not a threat

One of the bigger things I miss about womanhood is not being perceived as a threat by other women. 

I miss being automatically assumed that I am a good, trustworthy person and not seen as someone who could potentially harm them. I miss not having to worry about how closely I am walking near (or god forbid, behind) a woman when I’m out on the street. Or not having to try to present myself in a way that I don’t make women wary of my proximity to them.

I can’t even imagine how many times I’ve wondered, How do I let women know I’m not a threat without outing myself? At this point, though, I’m not even sure it’s possible.

I do get it though. I wouldn’t trust any random dude either with all things considered. But it still sucks, you know?

Sometimes it feels isolating being a dude.

Maybe a little too “stealth”

It is kind of cool, though, how I pass pretty well for only being on T for 6 months.

When I’m out and about somewhere, I get the acknowledging guy nod from other men. I’m often called “sir” or “brother” or “bud” or, my personal favorite, “boss” by other guys. And I’m given much more space to take up in the world now. Like, I’m actually given physical space by other dudes in a grocery store aisle when they see me head in their direction. Crazy.

Sometimes I find myself having conversations with people and forget they don’t know I’m trans so I have to watch what I say without outing myself.

When women talk about how much periods suck, I can’t just be like “oh my god, I know!” because that’d be kind of weird coming from a dude. Or when men talk about their boyhood or ask me about my life when I was younger, I often find myself having to strategically answer the question without giving myself away.

They have no idea

Recently in an acting class, I was performing a monologue from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air about Will’s father abandoning him when he was younger. To try to get me into the character’s mindset, my teacher asked me questions about how old I was when I learned how to drive, had my first girlfriend, or had my first kiss. All of those questions were easy enough to answer, so I did. 

But then he asked me, “How old were you when your dad taught you how to shave?” And that’s when I realized, Oh shit… he totally sees me as a dude. He has no idea I’m trans.

The thing is, I obviously had a female experience with my mom teaching me how to shave my legs. It definitely wasn’t the male experience he was referring to of having my dad teach me how to shave my face. But I couldn’t tell him that. 

So after thinking about it for a split second, I responded with, “He didn’t.” And then I followed up with, “I didn’t have the privilege of having my dad teach me a lot of things” in an effort to avoid any further questions. Luckily it worked. As slightly stressful as that interaction was for me, it was still a cool feeling to know I was clocked as a dude by a cis guy.

It did leave me wondering, though, How do I approach these kinds of situations going forward? I’m sure there are going to be times where it won’t be as easy to sidestep the question, but I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.

Trading girlhood for brotherhood

While passing out in public is a huge win for me, it doesn’t cover up the occasional loss I feel over the girlhood I no longer have access to as I mentioned earlier. But I will say that there is a wonderful sense of camaraderie among my fellow transmen that is similar to this closeness I’ve been missing.

Trans men are fucking awesome. (And I’m not just saying that because I am one.)

In the same way that I used to be able to dive right into sharing my deepest, darkest secrets with women, I’ve found that I can do the same with other trans men.

Trans men have had the privilege of experiencing girlhood and forming those close relationships. We understand how to share our emotions instead of ignoring them. We know the comfort and safety of having a community. And more often than not, we are open books about our lived experiences and share them with each other with full trust and vulnerability. It’s kind of a beautiful thing.

So while I may not have the same immediate access to the close-knit friendships I once found in girlhood, I rest in the fact that I’ve traded them in for perhaps even stronger bonds that I am now finding in my trans brotherhood.

And I’m completely okay with that.